I ask myself this question a lot. Often jokily, when I’m doing things like cutting up blocks of cheese to eat at 2am, or trying to make my dog howl for about twenty minutes by gradually increasing the pitch in my voice. In all seriousness though, it’s a thought that’s always at the back of my mind, clouding what I’m doing and feeling heavy on my character.
Growing up I always had some sort of a plan for my future. At first I wanted to be a vet, but put these dreams aside after realising i’d have to put animals to sleep. Next I wanted to be a ballerina, though that didn’t last long as I’m far too clumsy. Then for a long time I was content to be a writer, and for an even longer time, I wanted to be a famous actress. I especially wanted to be in musicals and get to sing and dance and be someone different every night. I still have a passion for that, but not the confidence. So, I’m trying to be a writer.
Life can really knock the spirit for things out of you though. I feel sort of like i’ve spent the last few years surrounded by whispers that I’m not good enough. It makes me wonder if I’m doing the right thing, and if I’m making the right choices for life. It’s the only one i’ll get, after-all, so I’m petrified I’ll mess it up and be left un-fullfilled and invisible.
Whenever I start to feel this terrifying, paralysing paranoia about myself, my boyfriend sometimes has to remind me that I’m only 23. That there’s always time to find the right opportunities, even though sometimes searching for them can feel exhausting and futile.
Maybe I am just one of those scattered people. The ones that never quite settle into one path, but instead explore many. I’m ok with that, even though it can make things feel very out of control at times.
If I think about who I was a few years ago I was such a different person. While I’m still not overly self confident, I do feel far more comfortable with myself these days. This inspires me of the possibilities the years have, and how although at one point where you want to be can seem like a far off dream, it can be slowly developing too.
I suppose this is just a rambly, pensive post to say, stay positive fellow confused and stuck humans. That’s the best way to attract what you want, I’m sure of it.